This next disturbing trend is so pervasive that it would be unfair to single out any one person. But, hate as I do to separate on gender lines, it seems to be concentrated on the male side of fandom. So, we'll start there.
Obviously, half of any good comic book is the art. Good art can redeem shitty storytelling for some people, and good plotting can do the same for bad art, but when you get good art and good story together, it's... well, it's nice. There's no bad story to distract you from the art, there's no bad art to detract from the story. It's the best of both worlds.
What makes good art? One of the biggest parts, to me at least, is differentiating between characters. It's not as easy as it sounds. Both Hawkeye and Captain America, for instance, are blond, blue-eyed, tall, muscular men. So if they're in the same scene and out of costume, a good artist will be able to draw them both differently so that the reader can tell them apart. I'm sure you can think of any number of actors who share physical characters but you wouldn't confuse them -- Jake Gyllenhaal and Tobey Maguire, Michael Shanks and Ben Browder, Jason Dohring and Teddy Dunn -- but you're able to tell them apart.
Now, costumes do make it easier, which is why the cinematic trick of putting everyone in plain clothes doesn't work in comics. All those bright primary colors let us tell the supers apart. But there's still a lot of artists who just paste different hair onto the same body they draw over and over and over again.
Mind-control stories are kind of like that to me (see, I was going somewhere with that). The premise is always the same. A fetishized superheroine like Wonder Woman or Black Canary is minding her own business when a villain -- sometimes a Marty Stu of the author, which is disturbing on all conceivable levels and some that aren't conceivable -- rapes her. She likes it (or doesn't like it... what made you think her feelings on the subject mattered in Downtown Disturbia?) and a variety of Rule 34 fetishes are indulged before she either escapes or is broken down into a sex slave.
Now, if that's your fancy, fine... I fear for the future of the human race, but fine. But what this story type does is completely reduce a perfectly fine character to a doll the author can hang his neuroses on. Yes, retards, there's more to comic books than the pretty pictures.
Black Canary /= Wonder Woman /= Supergirl /= Lara Croft. They're all vastly different characters and if these fanboys had an ounce of talent or creative energy, they would write a story to explore these differences. But instead they write the same story over and over, just changing out the props (i.e., women) and maybe sometimes figuring out a vexing misspelling. There's no improvement, there's no learning, there's no point. It's the literary equivalent of one of those chocolate-covered cockroaches. Not only is it bad for you, but when you think about it a little while, it's actually pretty disgusting.
Nowhere, NOWHERE, is this more frustrating then when a fanboy figures out that lesbians are hot and tries his hand at femslash. God knows there isn't much femslash out there and as a fan of it, you have no idea how frustrating it is when the portion of the fandom that has the most interest in lesbian porn (yes, male het-boys are more interested in lesbian porn than lesbians. Sad state of affairs, I know) sucks cock at it. And not in the good way. In the bad head way, where he's making all sorts of sucking sounds like he's really into it and you should be enjoying it, but you're just checking your watch until by some miracle of ejaculation he manages to bring you to orgasm. That kinda blowjob.
There’s a list of slash clichés that are usually used at least semi-ironically. If sex pollen shows up in a story, we may groan, but we’ll accept it as a genre convention. Huddling together for warmth, going undercover as prostitutes, aliens who for some reason happen to want two people with UST to have sex… they’re all hokey, yet valid, storytelling tools.
But as clichéd and hokey as they are, they would be a QUANTUM LEAP FORWARD for most fanboys. Anything to replace the constant stream of rape and weird perversions. I know, look who’s talking, but milking? Baldness? Pregnancy -- not “Aww, they love each other and they have a kid.” The other kind. Pick a normal kink.
It goes like this.
1. There’s far too little femslash.
2. Men like to write femslash.
3. Men can’t write femslash well.
Okay, that’s a bit disingenuous. It’s not like men can’t write femslash well. It’s just that the vast majority of them don’t bother. This is because male fandom, to a disturbing degree, has all the eroticism and sensuality of a ninth-grader that laughs whenever someone says "dong." Except it's more like they get a boner whenever someone throws a bunch of words like "cunt" and "firm" and "ample" and "tits" at the screen. There's no attempt to make the scene sexual because it's two sexy people with sexy personalities to go with their sexy bodies. You might as well be thinking of a donkey and a blow-up doll for all the personality they have (of course, many fanboys do give the audience a donkey because they're so homophobic of male sexuality, but we'll leave that rant for another time). And almost as bad as that is that so many male femslashers just don't know how this shit works.
It’s highly unlikely that any lesbians would volunteer to allow a fanboy to watch them make whoopee and take notes (not that it would stop the troglodytes from asking), but that’s no excuse to not do research. Passion & Perfection is full of stories by either lesbians, women who are fantastically open-minded, or men who have done the research. All that’s required is that you get more information on lesbian lovemaking than Where The Boys Aren’t X: Lesbians In Space. When in doubt, ask! That's why fangirl fics are kicking fanboy fics up and down Literary Merit Street. Fangirls have support, they build communities.
Newsflash! All writers, regardless of talent, require nurturing. Sometimes that's encouragement. Sometimes that's a kick in the ass to stop writing fics where women get raped and think it's the best thing since sliced bread. God knows fangirls can suck at this -- I'm sure we're all aware of fandom_wank and its spectacularly unhelpful contributions to the field of interpersonal communications -- but they at least make an attempt. I can rant about sucky authors for eternity, but if people don't start giving feedback, it doesn't mean a thing. A single thoughtful comment can mean more to a fanboy than pie, and fanboys love their pie. If you want better stories, stop creating an environment that pats people on the back for writing shit and create one where authors are congratulated for writing good stuff. Hell, be Harrison Bergeron about it and encourage them for just trying. But don't just be a mindless consumer, regurgitating faint praise now and then but never examining your readings critically. You're better than that. You owe more to yourself and to your fandom than THAT.
I'm gonna stop before this turns into a rant about lousy feedbackers, but I hope I got my point across. Next time, I've got a bone to pick with a trend I've seen in both male and female fandom, and then maybe I'll roast some deserving bastiches. Later.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Andrew Troy Keller
Who's on first? This fucker right here.
You may think fucker is a harsh way to refer to him, but by the end of this article you'll know I went easy on him. Yeah yeah yeah, maybe he's Humanitarian of the Year in RL. I don't care if he's the Pope. If I met him in RL, I don't know what I'd do first: Punch him in the face or spit in his eye. The English language, a battered child if ever there was one, is lesser by the fact that he publishes his "work" in it. Were this the 1980s and I a CIA operative, I would suggest teaching him Russian so that he could write for Soviet audiences. I might be convicted of crimes against humanity, but at least the Berlin Wall would fall just a little faster.
There used to be such a thing as serial writers. Each month, you'd get a new chapter in a book by Charles Dickens. ATK is not that kind of serial writer. ATK is a serial writer like the Hillside Strangler was a serial killer. And ironically enough, I'd rather read a book by Kenny and Angelo then A...T...K. Yes, I just compared his "fics" to brutal murder-rapes. That's the most apt metaphor you'll ever find without cracking open some Shakespeare.
Being in fandom while he's writing is kind of like being in Washington while a sniper's at large. Even if you don't know of him, I'm sure you get headaches, nightmares, anxiety, climaxing in the dreadful feeling of either relief that he has written in a fandom you do not share or the agony that your writing stands side-by-side with this aberration of literary merit. The world is a poorer place because he's writing. If he were to get run down by a car, the sun would shine brighter, the air would smell cleaner, and it's possible that cancer would finally be cured.
Strong words, I know, I know. Why is this man such a horrible writer?
Read any one of his stories (or Exhibits A-Z, as I like to call them). This one, for instance. Congratulations. You've read them all.
It's a basic tenet of writing that characters should be different. They should have different voices, but more than that, they should actually be different. You wouldn't write Superman diving through the air firing two guns simultaneously like Chow Yun-Fat. You wouldn't write Indiana Jones saying "You're my bitch now" to Marion Ravenwood. You wouldn't give Darth Vader the same dialogue you'd give Will Smith. That's because you're a writer. Maybe not a good writer, but you at least *write*. This man Copy-Pastes. And possibly defecates. The Ctrl-V-Shit keys on his keyboard are probably worn to nubs by now.
Somehow, by some perverse miracle of bad writing, ATK has managed to miss this basic truth of fiction. It is possible that he has similarly missed that solid matter is impenetrable and spends his time walking into walls before "writing", if you can call it that. All he does is plug different characters into the same sex scene, with a little half-hearted... no, tenth-hearted characterization before it. Sometimes, just for variety, he throws in some rape. Not that I'm saying that non-cons is wrong, but not even rapists deserve to have their act written about by ATK.
The tender act of lovemaking is forever sullied by this man's virginal attempts to approximate it. Not that I mind virgins writing smut either, but at least they've put some thought into it beyond penis + vagina = fun. Or vagina + vagina = fun, which may be the worst thing to happen to the gay community since Anne Heche turned straight again.
I don't know why he keeps writing. Surely, there's only so many characters who can experience "pure, untamed erotic" and enjoy every minute of it. For the first time in their lives. You'd think by now, given how many literary dumps he takes, that one character would have experienced PUE twice, but I would rather pencil in more time for my root canal than go through his work to find out. The only conclusion I can reach is that the first time he wrote something, someone, probably his mother or someone he keeps locked up in his basement, gave him encouragement and he's just been plugging away at that tiny nugget of feedback ever since.
It is also possible he is just an attention whore trying to get exactly this response. For clogging up the internets with that much shit, sir, you deserve it. Joke's over. Please stop. Bye-bye now.
You may think fucker is a harsh way to refer to him, but by the end of this article you'll know I went easy on him. Yeah yeah yeah, maybe he's Humanitarian of the Year in RL. I don't care if he's the Pope. If I met him in RL, I don't know what I'd do first: Punch him in the face or spit in his eye. The English language, a battered child if ever there was one, is lesser by the fact that he publishes his "work" in it. Were this the 1980s and I a CIA operative, I would suggest teaching him Russian so that he could write for Soviet audiences. I might be convicted of crimes against humanity, but at least the Berlin Wall would fall just a little faster.
There used to be such a thing as serial writers. Each month, you'd get a new chapter in a book by Charles Dickens. ATK is not that kind of serial writer. ATK is a serial writer like the Hillside Strangler was a serial killer. And ironically enough, I'd rather read a book by Kenny and Angelo then A...T...K. Yes, I just compared his "fics" to brutal murder-rapes. That's the most apt metaphor you'll ever find without cracking open some Shakespeare.
Being in fandom while he's writing is kind of like being in Washington while a sniper's at large. Even if you don't know of him, I'm sure you get headaches, nightmares, anxiety, climaxing in the dreadful feeling of either relief that he has written in a fandom you do not share or the agony that your writing stands side-by-side with this aberration of literary merit. The world is a poorer place because he's writing. If he were to get run down by a car, the sun would shine brighter, the air would smell cleaner, and it's possible that cancer would finally be cured.
Strong words, I know, I know. Why is this man such a horrible writer?
Read any one of his stories (or Exhibits A-Z, as I like to call them). This one, for instance. Congratulations. You've read them all.
It's a basic tenet of writing that characters should be different. They should have different voices, but more than that, they should actually be different. You wouldn't write Superman diving through the air firing two guns simultaneously like Chow Yun-Fat. You wouldn't write Indiana Jones saying "You're my bitch now" to Marion Ravenwood. You wouldn't give Darth Vader the same dialogue you'd give Will Smith. That's because you're a writer. Maybe not a good writer, but you at least *write*. This man Copy-Pastes. And possibly defecates. The Ctrl-V-Shit keys on his keyboard are probably worn to nubs by now.
Somehow, by some perverse miracle of bad writing, ATK has managed to miss this basic truth of fiction. It is possible that he has similarly missed that solid matter is impenetrable and spends his time walking into walls before "writing", if you can call it that. All he does is plug different characters into the same sex scene, with a little half-hearted... no, tenth-hearted characterization before it. Sometimes, just for variety, he throws in some rape. Not that I'm saying that non-cons is wrong, but not even rapists deserve to have their act written about by ATK.
The tender act of lovemaking is forever sullied by this man's virginal attempts to approximate it. Not that I mind virgins writing smut either, but at least they've put some thought into it beyond penis + vagina = fun. Or vagina + vagina = fun, which may be the worst thing to happen to the gay community since Anne Heche turned straight again.
I don't know why he keeps writing. Surely, there's only so many characters who can experience "pure, untamed erotic" and enjoy every minute of it. For the first time in their lives. You'd think by now, given how many literary dumps he takes, that one character would have experienced PUE twice, but I would rather pencil in more time for my root canal than go through his work to find out. The only conclusion I can reach is that the first time he wrote something, someone, probably his mother or someone he keeps locked up in his basement, gave him encouragement and he's just been plugging away at that tiny nugget of feedback ever since.
It is also possible he is just an attention whore trying to get exactly this response. For clogging up the internets with that much shit, sir, you deserve it. Joke's over. Please stop. Bye-bye now.
What I'm All About
I'm a comic fan. Which means I like to complain about comics. It's like being a square means you are not a circle; the two go together. But there are probably as many blogs complaining about comics as there are comics, so I'm taking a new bent. I'm complaining about comic fanfiction.
Trite? Perhaps. We do have dozens of places to "spork" "badfic" as it were. But there's some very high-profile badfic which never gets sporked... either because it's not considered "bad" on the grading curve from Mary-Sues on up, or because it's produced by a "BNF", or maybe just because it's too obscure. This blog is where I rant about those badfics.
Who am I? I'd rather not say. Hence the rather androgynous name. I was active on Livejournal and a few fic-hosting sites until a little ways back, but right now my journal is in a state of flux dot dot dot. I'm trying to decide whether to immigrate to GreatestJournal, InsaneJournal, JournalFen, or just go outside and get some air. To that end, this blog. I know that even if I'm exposed, I'll just start up a new account on one of those fine services and be on my merry. My real friends will know who I am. The rest of you can do whatever.
For now, I'll just say that I'm something of a fixture in comics "fandom." I have a little under two hundred friends. I've written a few fanfics. That's not where my interest lies and they didn't light the world on fire, but weren't ignored either. Who am I, a non-writer, to criticize writing? I'm not criticizing writing. I'm criticizing typing. Lousy typing at that.
Trite? Perhaps. We do have dozens of places to "spork" "badfic" as it were. But there's some very high-profile badfic which never gets sporked... either because it's not considered "bad" on the grading curve from Mary-Sues on up, or because it's produced by a "BNF", or maybe just because it's too obscure. This blog is where I rant about those badfics.
Who am I? I'd rather not say. Hence the rather androgynous name. I was active on Livejournal and a few fic-hosting sites until a little ways back, but right now my journal is in a state of flux dot dot dot. I'm trying to decide whether to immigrate to GreatestJournal, InsaneJournal, JournalFen, or just go outside and get some air. To that end, this blog. I know that even if I'm exposed, I'll just start up a new account on one of those fine services and be on my merry. My real friends will know who I am. The rest of you can do whatever.
For now, I'll just say that I'm something of a fixture in comics "fandom." I have a little under two hundred friends. I've written a few fanfics. That's not where my interest lies and they didn't light the world on fire, but weren't ignored either. Who am I, a non-writer, to criticize writing? I'm not criticizing writing. I'm criticizing typing. Lousy typing at that.
I do not care what people write. Slash, femslash, gen, het, non-cons, chan, incest, grön. I truly do not care. All I want is for the fanfiction to be well-written. Even if I don't read it. I want there to be an atmosphere of excellence in fandom, not back-slapping mediocrity. Getting pretentious for a moment... It's everyone's right and duty to read good stuff. Life is too short for dry, shitty reading and people who write dry, shitty reading should either write better or GTFO. Consider that my manifesto. You wouldn't eat a dirty hot dog when you could have a home-cooked steak. All I want to do is point out how dirty that hot dog is so you can go look for some steak. Or a salad, if you're a vegan.
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